Toilet Seat – A Poem

Trying to do my business

As quietly as I can,

I fill the loo with paper

And turn on the fan.



I quickly stand up,

Now that I am finished.




My jeans catch on the seat.

My newfound confidence,



Oh, ground please swallow me up

I should have taken more care.

Now everybody knows

What I was doing in there!

I Think I’ve Got Wind – A Poem

I should have soaked those dried beans

Instead of eating those that were tinned –

I think I’ve got wind.


Now’s not the best time

To be bum-chinned

It’s just a reminder

That I have got wind.


Would you stop telling me

That I have sinned?

I can’t control my wind.


I could do with being a fish

One that is double-finned

So I could quickly swim away.

There’s nothing more embarrassing than my wind.

If In doubt, Let It Out!

Standing on the grass,

The rain pattering on my head

I feel an uncomfortable feeling,

So attempt to cross my legs.


Why do these things happen

At the most inappropriate times?

Like at the funeral I’m in now,

Just as the church bell chimes.


I tense my gluteus maximus.

My back passage starts expanding,

My face begins to redden as I inch

Away from where my friend is standing.


There’s just no holding it in,

So feeling like a little kid,

I think “if in doubt, let it out!”

So that’s just what I did!

I’ve Come Back for my Toilet Roll – A Poem

I was minding my own business at work

Cleaning the grit off the toilet bowl,

When a slightly hunched man walked in

And said “please can I have that toilet roll?”

I handed it over politely 

And said “sure, of course”.

He snatched it away greedily,

But then threw it back with force.

He looked at me impatiently

“Is there another one?” he spat.

I said “I haven’t seen one sorry,

There was no need for that!”

He looked at me with remorse,

And said “that’s not the one that I wanted.

The one that I bought 

Was double-layered, scented and quilted.”

He said “You see, the problem is

I’ve got a very sensitive bumhole,

So I really would appreciate it

If you could find my special loo roll.” 

Regular In The Morning – A Poem

Why is it that

I  am ok

During the day?


But in the morning

As the day is dawning

I need to go twice

Ten minutes apart –

What a great start

To the day.


I am so relieved to be able to publish my poems again after about a week of a terrible and unusable internet connection. I hope you enjoyed this extremely juvenile poem.

Passing Water – A Poem

Come on, let’s go

How long do we have to wait?

Hold on a minute,

I need to urinate!


Please hurry up

We need to go.

Wait, I need to relax

And let the water flow.


Can you pass me

The keys on the shelf?

One moment please,

I’m relieving myself.


Have you not been yet?

You still look cross-legged.

I know, I still need to

Secrete some fluid.