Stiff Boogie – A Poem

Why do I always find

It so difficult to dance?

Disco, foxtrot, cha-cha…

I’m afraid there is no chance!


Oh, I can do a pirouette

And slide across the floor,

But of the splits in heels

I’m really not so sure!


I begin to stiffen up

When I step on the dance floor

And feeling all self-concious

I scan for the back door.


People are blocking the exit

So my heart begins to race

I waste more time by pretending

I need to tie my shoe lace.


I do a stiff boogie

As I try to look cool

But back away from the lights

Only to trip over a bar stool.


I grab for something, anything,

To stop me falling on my back

But my hand finds a poor souls waistband

And my fingers slide into their crack!


I quickly withdraw my hand

Continue to stumble around,

But they punch me in the face

And I fall unconcious to the ground.


Once I’m able to crawl

Back to the back door,

Suddenly, saying ‘excuse me’

Doesn’t seem so bad anymore…

Take Me – A Poem

“Ooo, it’s such a very

hot day”, I think.

All of this warm weather’s

Driving me to the brink!


Relieved to leave the metal box

That is my car,

I run for shelter in Tesco’s

Which seems so very far.


I’ve got a splinter in my thumb

So first search for some tweezers,

But then remember the frozen isle

With all those nice cold freezers…


“TAKE ME!”, I yell at the coldness

Upon reaching there.

Nervous customers stare at me

But I really do not care!


I let out another yell

The same as before,

Until security guards drag me out

Into the scorching sun once more.

Fruit Picker – A Poem

I walk around my village

With my fruit picker,

When the sky begins to darken

And I see the street lamp flicker.


I make my way to my neighbour’s orchard

Where I hope to find an apple.

I pass the church, the pub, the school

And the graveyard of the old chapel.


I reach the wall that surrounds the trees,

It’s only as high as my waist.

I spy several ripe, crunchy apples inside

And just can’t wait to have a taste!


I whip out my handy fruit picker

And lean precariously over the wall.

Flick, flick goes my wrist,

I’m a bit off balance, I hope I don’t fall!


I’m slower than usual tonight,

I need to pick quicker, quicker.

I don’t want to have to resort to

Buying even one with a supermarket sticker!


I actually have an orchard of my own,

But all the fruit is hard and bitter.

The skins on these are irresistably crisp

Whereas on mine they are a lot thicker.


Pick, pick, pick

That should do the trick!

My fruit picker’s full the the brim,

No more need for me to nick, nick!


I tip the contents inside

My basket made of wicker,

Which I cover with a big tea towel

To also hide my fruit picker.

Padded Pants – A Poem

Lately I have not been

Getting much attention.

By this I am talking

About the backend region.


It got me thinking “hmm,

Maybe I’m doing something wrong…

Perhaps I should try

See-through trousers and a thong?”


I was about to click ‘Buy Now’

When completely by chance,

Amazon suggested I buy

A pair of padded pants!


Click, click,

That should do the trick!

No same day delivery available –

First class it is,

Tick, tick!

I hope they arrive

Quick, quick!

Wheat Fields – A Poem About Theresa May

I see you in the wheat fields

And amongst the corn,

You hide amidst the rye

In the early morn.


You try to move out of my view

Just as I’m passing by,

You’re so silly Theresa May –

There’s no need to be shy!


Oh, why are you so naughty?

Wish I was as bad as you.

The worst thing I’ve ever done

Is sniff some prit stick glue!


Note: If you don’t understand this poem, then I strongly recommend that you watch this very short video: . It’s hilarious, regardless of your political views!

Windy Crevice – A Poem

I was walking in the Grand Canyon

Far down below,

When the air grew a bit cooler

And the wind started to blow.


I wrapped my arms around me

And pulled up my hood,

I picked up my pace

As quickly as I could.


It was starting to get dark

So I went to make my ascent,

And hoped that all that wind

Had not blown away my tent!


But a rather wide crevice

Gaped at me to my right –

The wind tugged me inside,

Taking me deeper into the blackening night.

Trundle Wheel – A Poem

I like to go for long walks

With my trundle wheel,

To measure the distance I’ve covered

You don’t believe me, but it’s real!


Humming as I go,

I leave thin dusty trails

I’m always on a mission,

But usually it fails.


It’s so easy to get distracted….

Click, click, click,

I only look up for a second

But my wheel jolts off a stick!


Dammit! Now I must go

Right back to the start

But from the point I began,

I am now so far apart.

Mushroom Vent – A Poem

We like to go for nice holidays

In our camper van,

To make the most of the weather

Whenever we can.

But lately the air has become

Very stale and spent,

So I had no other option

Than to buy a big mushroom vent.

It should have been a special day,

But instead I was berated

Because I bought a size too big,

Which left me exasperated!

I was told I was a disappointment –

My family did nothing but moan,

So I left them to go to Spain

For my first holiday on my own.

Shunt – A Poem

Today I had

A good old shunt

In my good friends driveway.


It was a long journey to get there

Due to many factors,

But the worst part of all

Was reversing for two tractors.


Before leaving the driveway

I looked behind, then to the front,

And realised there was no other option

Than to have a good old shunt!


It was difficult getting out –

I stalled not once, but twice.

But what made it all worth it

Was that the drive home was very nice.