Toilet Seat – A Poem

Trying to do my business

As quietly as I can,

I fill the loo with paper

And turn on the fan.



I quickly stand up,

Now that I am finished.




My jeans catch on the seat.

My newfound confidence,



Oh, ground please swallow me up

I should have taken more care.

Now everybody knows

What I was doing in there!

Bathtime Slips – A Poem

I have begun to feel quite afraid

Which I never used to, at all!

My bath has become very slippy

So I’m afraid I will slip, trip or fall!


I came by a “firm-hold” bath mat,

Though it makes me feel rather old.

‘Twas on a cut-out aimed at the elderly

And I couldn’t resist its resistance to mould!


It has a spongy exterior,

With special, secure suction caps.

This should relieve my anxiety

When I bend to reach for the taps!


I chose the transparent option

It’s subtle and will blend in more.

Rushing to put it in place,

I prepare for rubber duck galore!


Deciding to play it safe

I first try it sitting down,

I wiggle my buttocks from side to side,

Though my smile turns into a frown.


Something here is very wrong –

I quickly get to my feet.

Looking over my shoulders, I find

It didn’t make a very good seat!


The suckers are glued to my bum –

I’d placed the mat upside down

Vigorous tugging won’t even release them

I must look like a right clown!

Kinky Massage – A Poem

I’m so very excited

For my massage today,

It’s in a special place

Where I always enjoy my stay.


I lie excitedly on my front,

It starts out very normal.

Even though I’m mostly naked,

The conversation’s still quite formal.


When the session nears its end,

I still feel largely at ease

But the best part’s still to come…

Oh, the therapist’s such a tease!


As my anticipation increases,

Covering my skin, are goosebumps.

The feather tickles me all over,

And I giggle as it caresses my rump.

Prominent Nipple – A Poem

What is that I see?

It can’t be….

Nought but a prominent nipple!


I say to my wife,

“Is that there to stay?

It didn’t used to look like that –

It was normal yesterday!”


“It doesn’t bother me” she says.

“And I believe there’s nothing we can do”.

But I respond by saying

“I’d prefer if it was on you!”

Reveal Alls – A Poem

I work at a garage

With three of my friends,

Guess what we fixed today?

Only a Mercedes Benz!


But my friends keep saying

“What’s wrong with you, John?

We’re all wearing overalls,

Why can’t you put some on?


But they all look so sweaty –

I much prefer my reveal alls.

They’re lighter and easier to move in,

And great for when nature calls!


I sometimes even wear a tie

Which I like to pull up tight,

Though I keep this to a minimum,

Because it gives some customers a fright!

My Green Field – A Poem

One look over the fence

And I can’t help myself.

Frantically straddling the gate

As if tempted by bait!


Feet planting softly on the ground

Almost without a sound.

This skill, not only great,

But completely innate!


The feel of the grass

Between my toes

Is enough to make me

Forget all my woes.

But then I have a shock

And my heart skips a beat

As I fail to recall

When my shoes left my feet!


Shrugging, I walk towards

An overhanging tree

When I feel the grass

Tickle my knee.

I do a little jump

And wonder what’s going on,

Because when I look down

My trousers are gone!


While I am feeling

Particularly vexed,

I wonder which item

Of clothing will be next!


Panicking a little,

I look all around.

Though no one’s about

I still shrink to the ground.


I wouldn’t really mind

As long as no one sees.

In fact it gives me quite a thrill

Especially when there’s a breeze!


I decide that I do

Not care anymore –

Of the lush green grass

I just want more!

All of my clothes

To the grass I yield,

Jealousy surges through me –

I wish this was my green field.


This poem is for everyone who enjoys rolling around naked on other people’s properties.

Soap In The Shower – A Poem

Who’s idea was it

When in the shower,

To use a bar of soap

It takes an extra hour!


Though my grip is tight,

Still every time

It falls to the floor

And leaves a layer of slime.


In the shower cabinet

There’s not much space –

On each side, the panels

Are a foot from my face!


To bend or to squat?

That is the question.

Though I know either way

I’ll still feel some tension.


I choose to bend

Because I forgot

The glass kisses my buttocks

If I don’t squat!

Family Bathroom – A Poem

The most interesting thing

In my house today,

Is the family bathroom.


With a walk in shower,

A floor sloped towards the wall,

A rope hanging tall

From the ceiling

Of my family bathroom.

Feeling like Tarzan

And try as I might,

Buttocks clenched tight,

I fail to swing

From my family bathroom.


In the toilet

Is a never-ending hole

Deeper than a well,

Black as coal.

However when fed,

Up from below

An almighty glow

Fills my family bathroom.


I slide across the tiles

For what I wish was miles,

Step off the wet floor

And out of the door

Reminding me

That this is what I live for –

My family bathroom.

The Naked Man – A Poem

Oh what a nice day

For a walk in the sun,

Up the road to the river

They walk, then they run.


They stop at the bridge

To watch the water glisten

But wait, what’s that noise?

So they stop and listen.


Can they believe it?

I don’t think they can,

On the grass opposite

Stands a naked man!


They hoot with laughter

As he turns to stare,

Widens his eyes

And has quite a scare!


Hands shoot to his crotch

When he turns to run,

But bounds over a hedge

To catch a thorn in his bun!


This poem is based on a true story!